Empty Nest, Empty Marriage? How to Rekindle Your Connection When the Kids Leave
Empty Nest Marriage Syndrome: A renewed perspective
The kids have finally left the nest and the house that once overflowed with energy, laughter, and chaos is now unsettlingly quiet. The absence of school drop-offs, sport, and nightly homework battles leaves a void that is both unfamiliar and daunting. You both collapse on the couch––together, but not really––staring at Netflix while mindlessly scrolling through socials. "Us" feels a little more like “You and Me” Without the constant chaos of parenting, a big question looms: Are we just roommates? If this sounds all too familiar, keep reading for some tips to reignite that spark..
Many years of marriage are often spent raising children, balancing careers, and running a busy household. Amidst the chaos, your relationship may have taken a backseat. Now that things have quieted down, you might begin to notice the cracks that were once easy to overlook. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
The Reality of Empty Nest Divorce
Research shows that divorce among couples over 50 has doubled in recent years. Here in Australia, emotional disconnection is one of the most common reasons cited for separation (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2021). The empty nest phase can be a turning point known to either deepen the emotional gap or present an opportunity to reconnect and flourish.
A Story of Love Lost in Routine
Couples clients, Brendon* and Tash*, met in their mid-twenties. A relationship quickly ensued and was filled with passion and dreams. Then life happened—kids, careers, responsibilities—and their marriage shifted from a partnership of love to one of logistics.
When their youngest moved away for university last year, silence filled their home. Tash buried herself in work away from home, while Brendon worked remotely from home. They felt miles apart, even while sitting on the same sofa.
Now in their early-fifties, many couples they knew were separating at an alarming rate. And it was after the surprising breakup of their closest friends, they had no choice: it was either let their marriage join the alarming statistic above, or seek professional help and fight for their connection. Counselling helped them find their way back to “Us”. Here’s a little of how they did it with help from Vanessa Wylie Counselling.
Rekindling Connection: Where to Start?
1. Start Talking—With Kindness and Curiosity
The Gottman Method highlights the power of a soft start-up, beginning conversations gently rather than with criticism. Tash used to complain, “You never make time for me anymore.” Rephrasing this to “I miss spending time together” helped Brendon respond rather than shut down, opening the door to deeper conversations.
2. Prioritise Quality Time—Even If It Feels Awkward
Shared experiences strengthen emotional bonds. Brendon and Tash reminisced about what early experiences in their relationshiprought them joy. They told me hilariously harried, yet heartfelt stories of hikes and camping trips from their time before kids. With their new found freedom they were soon able to reintroduce these traditions, rekindling their connection.
3. The Nesting Exercise—A Simple Ritual
One powerful way they reconnected was the Nesting Exercise. Every time one partner returned home, the other greeted them with a hug. They’d ask, "How was your day?" and truly listen. This small but intentional act fostered warmth and reinforced that no matter what, they were each other’s home. Tash happily reflected that Brendon’s greeting hugs when she came home from work were a welcome change from the old pattern of not even speaking to one-another until dinner time.
4. Use Terry Real’s “Feedback Wheel”
Terry Real, a renowned relationship expert and author of one my most recommended books for couples, Us, emphasises the power of structured communication. He suggests using a "Feedback Wheel" that consists of four steps:
1) State what you saw or heard,
2) Share what you made up about it,
3) Express how you feel, and
4) State what you would like instead.
This method allows couples to express their needs without blame or defensiveness, making it easier to resolve conflicts and rebuild intimacy.
5. Seek Support—Because Even Strong Couples Need Guidance
Counselling isn’t just for relationships in crisis—it’s for any couple wanting to strengthen their bond. Counselling improves communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.
A New Beginning, Not an Ending
The empty nest stage isn’t the end of your love story—it’s the beginning of a new chapter, an opportunity to create a nest that represents you both in this new stage. After all, before you were parents, you were two people in love. With intention, laughter, and a few small changes, you can rediscover that connection.
Finding this transition challenging? Seeking support is a sign of strength. Book a free 15-minute Introduction Call to see how relationship counselling can help.
*Names and identifying details are changed for privacy. Client story happily shared with their approval.